The thought
of leaving work, having no income, and not knowing what would happen was
frankly a little nerve wracking at times, still is, and I had to ask myself if
I was an idiot. But more depressing to me was the thought of continuing on with
the path I was already on as I could not see another year of this, let alone
another 25 years. So in some ways the decision to go was easy because not going
was actually scarier. I would make the same decision today and looking back it is hard to believe all that has gone on this year, some of it seems like such a long time ago.
My bank
account has taken a hit, and continues to do so for the moment, but mentally I
am in a much better place, probably better than I have been in 10 years. And
physically, not sitting at a desk stressed out all the time but walking and
doing things every day has left me healthier than I have been in a long time. I
actually lost 15 lbs. while traveling and got back to the weight I was after
college. Now I just hope to keep it off. I visited three continents, 10
countries, lived in a tent in the African bush, saw the stars at night, climbed
Table Mountain in Cape Town, learned to surf, hiked Machupicchu, improved my
Spanish, kayaked in the Adriatic Sea, visited places I never thought I would,
and met a lot of new people experiencing other cultures along the way. My life
has been enriched by it and none of this would have ever happened if I had
taken the easy road and stayed put.
All things
come to an end and now the hard part begins, trying to figure out what comes
next. Clearly a job but I can’t say that I had that ah-ha moment and I know
exactly what to do. I know what I don’t want, I don’t want to get into another
job that gets me all wound up in nots and stressed out like before, whatever it
is I need to feel good at it, feel like it has some purpose and to be able to
take time for myself on occasion. I have an offer to return to Cape Town and it
is tempting as I really enjoyed my time in Cape Town, living there agreed with
me. But with my parents in their mid/late 70’s I can’t see moving half way
around the world right now. This week I also spoke with a recruiter about jobs
that would be similar to what I did at Bretford but I can’t really say that I
left the conversation inspired, if anything perhaps a little dejected at the
idea of going back to this. So I am not really sure where that leave me.
I’d like to
stay in Chicago but I may not. This place will always be my home but I surprised
myself in that I did not miss as much here as I thought I would. The things that tied me here don't seem to have such a strong pull any more. I still enjoy rowing and would not mind coaching again but the teams I would row with I don't feel have anything for me any more. Most of my friends from that page of my life have moved on or they are too tied up the politics of rowing and it feels hard to talk to them. I wish them well but I have moved beyond it and wonder if they should not take a step back too. Besides I am more apt to take up kayaking or stand up paddle board now, a lot less political. Additionally, the
financial situation of both the city and the state have me worried and I think
it is going to get a lot worse before it gets better. I love Chicago but I am
not sure I want to be here for what could be coming.
I have no
idea what the future holds for me and leaving to travel this summer has
probably complicated it but I know I would have regretted not going. Where will
I end up in six months? Who the hell knows.
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